Yes I’m okay! And I’ve just been AWOL…haven’t posted for a few reason. (1) I’ve been busy, and (2) I feel like I don’t have much to add about the whole weight loss/gastric banding discussion at this point. That’s not to say that Maintenance Mode doesn’t have its challenges–it challenges me every day!–but I feel a bit redundant saying the same thing all the time on here. I’ll try to write more often though and come up with something clever to write about.

Here is a quickie little update on what’s been shaking in my world…

Weight/Food

My weight is holding steady in my maintenance range…128. (My range is 125-130).  Clothing is still fitting just fine at Size 4. My band the last few weeks has felt a little bit looser, which is a Catch 22.  On one hand I can eat healthier foods with more ease (salads, veggies), but on the other hand I can overeat easier as well. I notice that as my band get looser, I gravitate towards carbs more than I otherwise wood. This weekend I had a dish with rice, and dammit I ate all the rice! It was totally subconscious too. Some habits will never be broken, I think.

A few weeks ago I had some dentistry work done on me. I had a baby tooth pulled, a root canal, my jaw packed with bone dusty stuff to regrow my jawbone, etc.  When the doc got in there, he discovered the void under my tooth was much larger than he anticipated, so he had to cut my lip and cheek to get to everything. The procedure was more than 3 hours, 10 shots of novacaine…I passed out when I stood up and went to go pay…it was quite a process!

Consequently, I’ve been eating more mushy foods than normal–apple sauce, oatmeal, more soups, etc.  I can start to eat chewier food (meat) now, but every now and then something pokes me in the owie area and it’s…ahem…a bit startling in not quite a pleasant way. I hate dental work!

Mental Health

My mental health is FINALLY  much better. I was really teetering on the edge for a few weeks there. I was quite worried about myself. I met with my GP though, and we switched medicine, and it’s fantastic. I feel human again. I don’t feel like jumping off a bridge the minute I wake up. Relief!

I had started to see a counselor, but then work got a bit crazy and I had to cancel an appointment, and then I had the dentist work done and had to cancel my 2nd appointment with the counselor guy. I have an appointment today, and I still don’t really know what to expect or hope to get out of this.

Exercise

My exercise is not as good as I hope it would be, but it’s getting better. I signed up for a yoga class, and OH! How I miss Yoga!!!  SO MUCH!!  I have been really sore after the yoga class, which is simultaneously an indication that it’s a good workout for me as well as an indication of how out of shape I am! I will be getting some snowshoeing in this weekend as well.

Work

Work has been very busy, but it’s been really good. I’m finally getting a LOT of positive feedback. And I got a raise. So all things are good there!

Fun

So much fun stuff, so little time. I’ve been busy with: (1) New years eve party; (2) concerts; (3) volunteering with the Future City competition (4) yoga; (5) girl’s night-in parties; (6) pub trivia; (7) ski trip weekend to New Hampshire; (8) playing online poker, etc.

(at Chutters, home of the world’s longest candy counter! Egads, it’s food porn!!)

I’m starting 2012 off at 127.0 pounds, which is right in my maintenance zone.

So far I’ve done fantastically eating healthy foods. I’ve opted for salads three times instead of soup or appetizers or whatnot. This won’t always be so easy; salads can be tough for me when my band is extra restrictive. But…so far so good.

I have been busy today planning out my schedule. I am trying to fit in more exercise time into 2012. I signed up for a yoga class today (Tuesdays) and plan to do volleyball on Thursdays.

I haven’t really set any 2012 goals for myself, but if I did they would probably involve eating healthier, exercising more, and continue breaking the nail biting habit (which I think I’m in the process of beating, FINALLY!).

I hope you all have a great 2012!

First of all, I found out this morning that my 2nd cousin was killed in a car crash yesterday. She was only 21, and had just gotten married about 5-or-so weeks ago.  My parents cancelled our usual Christmas in Illinois so they could spend some time with our Texas family. It sounds like instead of celebrating the holidays, they will be attending memorial services instead. It’s a terrible tragedy, and my heart goes out to my wonderful, beautiful family in Texas. Here’s a picture of my 2nd cousin and her daddy just a few short weeks ago, on the big wedding day. Isn’t she absolutely beautiful???

On Monday I had my first appointment with the counselor. It was just an overview session, a get-to-know-ya kind of thing. I think he was a little surprised that I have, as he said, “So many things going on in your life right now.” But I feel pretty good about the guy, and he thinks he can help me. He wants to see me two times a week for a while, so I have my 2nd appointment this afternoon.

Afterwards I talked to my mom. They had opened their Christmas presents at my cousin’s house, so she was calling to say thank you. It was actually a nice conversation. I’m glad that they are with the family down south and spending some quality time with that side of the family.

Monday I kind of wiped out my Facebook and deleted all my old posts, deleted some people that I either never speak to or don’t really want to know what’s going on in my life, etc. I’m not sure why I got a little spazzy about Facebook. When I’m depressed, I want to isolate myself and cut off all contact from the world. I think that’s what I was doing.

Tuesday we had pub trivia. We won at the end of trivia, but we didn’t collect our prize (a gift certificate to use next week) because I don’t want to go back again, so we wouldn’t use it.  Without going into too many details, going to that pub trivia makes me feel bad about myself, so we’re going to find a new bar and new trivia to check out in 2012.

Wednesday my co-worker and I met a client for lunch, which turned into a 7 hour lunch, and we were all drunk as skunks by the time we left. My co-worker shouldn’t have driven. I think we all shared a little bit too much about what’s going on in our lives and in our heads, and now we’re all acting stupid towards each other. Ugh.

Yesterday I had my appointment with my GP to discuss my depression. God, I love my doctor.  I didn’t have to try to defend myself, justify how I’m feeling, try to convince her that I’m not making shit up, etc. I just said, “Hey, I’m feeling depressed and my current meds aren’t working. I need some help.”  So I’m going to take some blood tests today to check my thryoid levels and vitamin levels and whatnot, and then she switched my meds to another type of anti-depressant, which I’ll pick up and start trying this weekend. I sure hope the new meds help!

Yesterday evening my hubby had his company holiday Christmas party. They gave the guys those remote controlled helicopters, so there were like 8 of those things flying around the restaurant, flying into our hair and landing in the food, etc. It was a very strange little gathering. I was extremely tired, I ate way too much food, and I felt socially incredibly awkward and self-conscious.

But the important part is that I’ve survived the week. One day at a time.

Today I’m at 129.0, a little on the high end of my maintenance range. But I’m no doubt bloated from PMS, too much food yesterday, etc.

My 1 year anniversary passed by with no recognition or celebrating. While I am proud of my accomplishments, they seem bittersweet at the moment, especially because I’m learning that I’ve lost more than mere weight over the past 3 years.

Today I have my first appointment with a counselor. I’m anxious about the appointment and cannot concentrate on my work today. But, I’m also excited about the appointment, and I am feeling optimistic that maybe this guy can help me sort through my multitude if issues swimming through my head and heart at the moment. I’ve been to counselors in the past and have had zero luck with them, so I’m not holding my breath. Still, I’m hopeful. I’ll tell you what, something has got to give with me at right now.

I was reading online about what to expect with your first counseling session, and most articles say that you should come to the appointment with a solid understanding of what your problems are and what goals you hope to achieve. Well, while I can pinpoint some larger problems and long-term  goals, I haven’t got the slightest idea what my problem is right now. But I can say that I would sure love to pull myself out of this depression and be able to be happy in general, focused at work, and able to develop healthy and rewarding relationships with people in my life.  Lofty goals, I know.

Wish me luck.

In the meantime, here’s a few tips for trying to avoid packing on the pounds over the next two weeks:

1. DO remember to wear tight fitting clothes.

That’s right, even to the office party. Choose a fitted dress or pencil skirt with a snug sweater. Wearing body conscious clothes will serve as a reminder that you can’t overeat. Shift dresses can be paired with a wide belt notched one size smaller than usual for a more tapered look. Guys, you don’t get a free pass here.

2. DO delay gratification and wait at least 20 minutes before eating at an event.

Make at least one full lap around a party before starting in on the appetizers. Think about it: It’s rude not to greet people when you walk in, and how are you going to do that with a mouth full of food or hands compromised with a beverage and a canapés?

3. DO keep your hands to yourself at all times.

Keeping a drink in one hand and a cocktail napkin in the other will make it difficult for you to keep reaching for those mini quiches we all know and love.

4. DO ruin your appetite.

We won’t tell your mother. It’s far better to go to a party on a half-empty stomach than an empty one. By eating a pre-party snack you have the opportunity to make a sober food decision based on your preferences and not based solely on what’s offered at the party. Consider it nutrition pre-gaming. (Added note from me: Make sure your pre-party snack is healthy! Eat a big handful of carrots!)

5. DO start now.

If you had even a one-fourth pound weight loss for every time you said “Oh, I’ll start tomorrow,” you’d be a skeleton. Waiting for a New Year’s resolution is just delaying your goal by that many more days. It may not be feasible to lose weight during December, but there’s certainly no reason why you need to gain weight. There will never be a perfect time to eat right — you have jump right in and start with your next meal!

(stolen online from here.)

We do trivia at a local bar every week. And one of the trivia questions last week was something to the effect of, “A US Size 10 in women’s clothing equates to how big of a waist, in inches?”

I thought, man, that’s an easy question! I had JUST measured my waist the night before! I have a measuring tape hanging on my bathroom door, which I used once a week during my journey to skinny. It had been a while since I measured, so I busted that baby out.

• I have a 28 inch waist.
• I’m 5’2. So I’m a petite.
• I wear a size 4 pant comfortably. (Sometimes a size 2, depending on the brand.)

(sidenote: That’s approx. 2 inches more than reaching my “low/goal weight” a year ago, when I measured in at 26.5 inches. Same weight, bigger waist = clear indication that I’m not exercising.)

So keeping that in mind, and the fact that women’s clothing sizes go up every 2 sizes, I figured that a Size 10 would be something like a 34 or 36 inch waist, right? I guessed 36 inches.

Got the answer wrong.

WRONG! 

Guess how big of a waist is a US Size 10? 28 inches!!

But wait! That’s what size MY waist is, and I wear a Size 4!!

According to the charts, a Size 4 should have about a 24 inch waist.  24 inches? Seriously? Who is that teeny? (According to some reports, Megan Fox and Kelly Ripa…)

So either this information is totally F-ed up, or my body is totally out of wack. I don’t know. How does that logic work on you ladies?

Here’s some stats to back up the trivia leader’s answer.

https://www.wmsclothing.com/sizing.html

http://www.rodcollins.com/wordpress/what-dress-size-or-waist-size-am-i-really

http://www.orvis.com/intro.aspx?subject=850#women_size

http://www.overstock.com/sizing.html

That’s F-ed up. No wonder women go insane when they shop for clothes. The shit doesn’t make a single bit of sense!

Just for some other fun celebrity info….Marilyn Monroe had a 22 inch waist, Audrey Hepburn had a 20 inch waist, Princess Di had a 27 inch waist at the highest, Kate Winslet has a 29 inch waist…  This is a fun website to check out….

Well, we were at our first winery (Adair Winery) when we chatted with a very nice couple. Turns out his brother-in-law and wife couldn’t make the tour, so they gave us their wine tour ticket. Furthermore, it was a 2-day ticket, which was even more expensive!  THANK YOU VITO! It was a really unexpected, lovely gift! (They wouldn’t take any money for the tickets, either.) What nice people you run into on the wine trail!

My favorite winery is Demorest Hill, which is not on the official route. The cutest little old Italian man runs the place, and he makes something ridiculous like 60 or 70 types of wines, spirits, vinegars, etc.  Delicious! I love that place.

We stayed at the Thayer Hotel at West Point Military Academy, which is a wonderful hotel that looks a little bit like a midevil castle. Very pretty location.

I did a great job packing snacks for the trail. In addition to the little snacks they had at each place (I do believe Applewood Winery would win the award for best snack…a spicy cheesecake that was really fantastic!) I had packed some cheese, pepperoni and crackers, some carrots and grapes, bottles of water, packages of almonds, etc.  I didn’t overdo it during the trail or afterwards at dinner….I was holding steady at my maintenance range of 126.0 this morning.

Showing off my new hands-free wine cozy! hahahaha! So tacky but so much fun! (And holy crap when did I get SKINNY, people?? That’s a padded ski jacket I’m wearing there….and I don’t look like that kid from A Christmas Carol. Freaky!!!)

Chickens!! Omg, one winery had chickens. I hopped out of the car and tried to chase one down to pet him, but he wouldn’t let me get close. What a chicken chicken! Bawk bawk!  See, you might find exercise at the oddest times when you’re on a wine trail. You better be prepared!

I love all my comments, even when they aren’t always full of praise and glowy words. Sometimes the hard words make you stop to think and re-evaluate. There’s good in them, too.

So really, from the bottom of my heart…thank you for stopping by, reading this little blog, and for giving me feedback. I really do appreciate it. Very much so!

(And remember to link me up to your own blogs so I can visit you, too!)

As for me, there’s nothing much going on with me that’s really worthy of writing. It’s more of the same…same food, same problems, same weight, same daily grind, blahblahblah. Sometimes I feel like a broken record on here.

This weekend I’m going on a little wine tour! I’m looking forward to the outing. I’ll be sure to post pictures on Monday.

The holidays are starting to kick up here at work, which means taking clients out to dinner to say “thank you” for the work over the course of the year. I have three work outings scheduled so far, and probably more to come. These are tricky, not only to eat within your calorie budget (especially when you’re dining on work money) but will also prove to be interesting with the gastric band. I’m quite used to excusing myself from the table to go remove “blockage,” but it still feels…rude.

How do you guys deal with “blockage” problems when you’re in a formal restaurant setting? Have any tricks or suggestions you can share?

I hope you all have a good weekend

Eeyores helping out.

Cat supervising.

Good times!

Huh.

You know, I think he is onto something, on both accounts. I don’t think I’ve really wrapped my head around my weight loss. Oh sure, I’ve had a jolly good time shopping for clothes in new, small sizes. I still get a major thrill whenever I buy something in a Size 2 or 4! I’ve embraced all the NSVs, and I’ve embraced the number on the scale. I have worked hard at Maintenance Mode, and one year later I’m doing pretty good with it.

But all of that stuff is external, really. I definitely haven’t embraced the image I see in the mirror. I still battle with the urge to lose MORE weight, and I definitely do not have an accurate vision of what my body truly looks like. My weight loss has had an impact on the relationships that I have with other people. I’ve lost several friends due to their jealousy over my weight loss. I interact with people–especially men–in a completely different way. I flirt, and I’ve never done that before. I am not used to the attention I get. I have difficulty looking people in the eyes; I’m still afraid of what I see reflected back at me. Scorn? Disgust? Nothing at all?

I could go on and on. There’s a lot of mental and emotional stuff to embrace with a major weight loss, and I definitely haven’t addressed a lot of those mental issues. It’s funny to me that I’m coming to this realization 3 years after my surgery, and one year after reaching my goal weight.

But my friend was also right when he pointed out that I haven’t figured out who I want this new Christine to be.  I definitely don’t want to stay the same old Christine–the one that is afraid to look people in the eye, the one that’s filled with self-loathing, the one that many times would rather die than to embrace Life.  Who should New Christine be? What kinds of clothes should she wear? What kind of attitude should she have? How can New Christine interact with people in a more positive and rewarding way? How can New Christine go through life happier, with a more rewarding and fulfilling life?

Yup, this depression may very well be caused by a much larger identity crisis.

I’ve been trying to sort through that this weekend. Maybe even come up with some answers to that.

Something has gotta give.

Sigh.

126.0 this morning. Still maintaining.