Emily has lost a pound! Bathing suit trials, and a heart attack.

by Christine on April 14th, 2011

filed under Christine's Life Updates

Emily has lost a pound! Hooray! Congrats to you Emily!! Keep up the good work! (And thank you for the shout out!)

I’ve been going through bathing suit trials and tribulations as I prepare for my vacation in warmer weather.  I have a one-piece bathing suit that I bought last year (Size 8) that is very cute. But I’m, what, 30 pounds thinner this year. And…I thought...is this the year that I can finally wear a two-piece swimsuit? For the first time in my life?

I bought a two-piece swimsuit (gasp! A bikini with boyshort bottoms. Very cute.) but sadly I don’t think I can pull it off. It’s mostly okay, but with my dislocated port and loose skin in my belly area, my husband thinks that the swimsuit is a “no go.”  Bummer.

So it looks like I’ll be sticking with a one-piece bathing suit. Some things are just outside of our control, I guess.

And speaking out out of our control, I got a call last night that my father had a heart attack. He had 99% percent blockage in one of his three main arteries going to his heart. Getting timely information from my family, as well as honest-truthful information about what is going on is impossible. I’m feeling worried, scared, anxious, frustrated, and angry. However, my mother made it very clear to me that I have no right to be feeling any of the emotions that I’m feeling. This is a common theme in my relationship with my family, especially my mother. As I was hitting up Paneras immediately after the phonecall to shovel food into my face, I had an ENLIGHTENING MOMENT with regards to my weight issues.

My feelings, all of my life, have been constantly being repressed, pushed aside, and deemed not important.  The problem with that (other than being intrinsically cruel and unfair) is that I have no means by which to express my emotions. It’s not just that my family doesn’t say, “I acknowledge your feelings but I disagree with them” but it goes further into “how dare you! you have no right to feel the way you do.”

These bottled up emotions have no place to go, and then I get all betwixed thinking that there’s something wrong with me, and I should be feeling differently than I really do. I’ve known that I binge on food when I’m emotional; I always thought that binging on food was a comforting figure for me–kind of like the mother I never had to comfort me when I’m feeling emotional. But that’s not it, not exactly. I use food as a means of expression. The hurt, pain, frustration, anger, fear…those feelings get bottled up inside me with no place to go, so I eat in order to express myself through food.

It’s a small difference, but a significant one.

I could rant and rave at this point…give a bunch of examples of what I’m talking about, but I think this isn’t the time or place for it. Right now I’m happy that my dad is okay and healing up after his surgery, but I’m feeling bottled up and trapped, especially with this vacation looming…two days before we leave. I need to put on my “happy!! let’s go on vacation!!” face and not be a total downer, so it’s repress, repress, repress for me.

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