Lessons Learned

by Christine on September 22nd, 2010

filed under Christine's Life Updates

Yesterday I had dinner with an old friend and colleague of mine. It was great to see him.  While I was out, I ordered the salmon (cooked “dry” with no butter), but with some mayo and mustard on the side. I mixed the mayo and mustard (2 parts mustard to 1 part mayo) and used just a little dab on my fork with each bite. It was absolutely delicious! 4 oz of salmon plus the mustard + mayo combination rang in at the most at 240 calories. Not bad at all!  The fish was served with a side of risotto with corn and asparagus in it. It looked delicious, but I didn’t even touch it.

Despite the great food choice, the calories for my day topped 1500! Considering my calorie goal is 800 a day, I actually almost doubled that! Dear heavens!  I was actually right on target with my food throughout the day and with dinner. So where did I go astray?  Apparently 2 beers, 2 glasses of wine (we were at the restaurant chatting for five hours!) followed by two small bites of cookie dough at home adds up to a ridiculous 600 calories!  I know, you’re sitting there thinking, “DUH,” but honestly, this calorie amount really snuck up on me yesterday.  However, I learned a lesson from it:

  1. Count up your calories prior to a dinner out, so the number is fresh in your mind.  Hell, write that number on the back of your hand school-girl style if you need to.
  2. If you’re going to drink, drink water in between each drink.  It hydrates you AND slows you down.
  3. The evening out is about catching up with friends, NOT about the food, NOT about drinking.

This morning my scale was up to 138.0, and there’s little surprise as to why.

Last night I woke up at 3 a.m. with terrible menstrual cramps, really bad dehydration, and painful constipation. I was lucky that I was able to fall back asleep, but ugh, owch.  The remedy is to drink some diluted prune juice throughout the day, lots of water, and an apple. And a bucket full of Aleve.

Tonight after work I have another evening out with friends. I will do a much better job keeping my calories in check.  Unfortunately I won’t have time to go the gym, which is maybe just as well because my cramps would definitely prevent me from running today anyway!

Picture of my colleague friend I met yesterday, John (left) with me at a work event. What a fun “before” picture! I remember that suit I was wearing: it was a size 16.

John and Tom

Recent pictures of me (size 6):

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Leaped off the horse

by Christine on September 14th, 2010

filed under Christine's Life Updates

Yikes. So yesterday was a really, really bad day. I ate. And ate. And ate. And then ate some more.

There’s no excuse for it. I don’t pardon myself by saying “I had a bad day” or “You’ve lost 90 pounds, you deserve to have a free day every now than then” or “what’s the worst that could have happened?”  There was absolutely no excuse for it; I’m lazy, lost focus, felt that my emotional insanity was more important than my health, etc. I completely suck, and I hope that I can make up for it over time.

I’m not sure how bad the damage is; I refused to weigh today.

I’m NOT going to reach my goals if I continue acting in this way. This is counter-productive to getting me to my goals.

Are you holding your breath, waiting for me to change my horrible cheating ways?

You would think after losing 90 pounds that I’d have kicked this emotional binge-eating monster in the ass, but alas, that doesn’t appear to be the case. I will have to work on keeping the binge-eating monster in check for the rest of my life, I think. It’s not easy, as yesterday proved.

I’m feeling out of it, tired, lethargic, and depressed, and today isn’t the first day. In fact, I came into work 2 hours late today partially so I could sleep in. (The other part was to completely clear out my savings account to pay off mounting dental bills [hubby’s] that are accruing because of SHITTY U.S. HEALTHCARE INSURANCE COVERAGE, Goddamn insurance bastards bloodsucking leeches.)

Last night I was fretting over the bills, to which hubby retorted with a snippy reply, “fine, I’ll just never go to the dentist again” which DUH, is NOT the solution needed here, but it also doesn’t solve our money issues! So I fired back at him, and the next thing you know we were fighting, giving each other the cold shoulder, and I spent the night on the couch.  The emotional drain of the entirely day, from the nightmare the morning before to the fight in the evening wiped me out entirely, and I was asleep by…8:30?

But back to my tiredness issues: I battled extreme lethargy a year ago. I’m very lucky that my doctor takes me seriously when I talk to her about it. We found the solution for my extreme tiredness a year ago in the form of a few incredibly expensive, special-ordered pills with a dose high enough to kill a small person (or so the pharmacist said. “Where have you been traveling to?! she asked me in interested horror), but I’m afraid that my tiredness has come back to haunt me. I’m procrastinating seeing El Doctoro again, hoping that I’ll “snap out of it” or something. After all, I’m not convinced that it’s not being caused by something different, for instance, depression in this case.  At the very least…the very very very special-ordered pills she ordered…I can’t swallow because of the gastric band and the size of the pills. It’s a silly reason not to go, but I’m scared. There ya go. I said it.  I’m a chicken. Bawk bawk.

The tiredness is escalating, just like it did the last time. The last few nights I’ve slept 12 hours, then 13 hours, then 14 hours last night. And still I wake up feeling tired.

So yeah. Today I’m going to rein in my eating, go to bed early (again), and try not be a terrible bitch to my husband. That’s the plan.

Have you guys ever tried Emergen-C? It’s a powered thing (like Crystal Lite) that you add to water. It’s a little fizzy, only has 5 calories, and comes in different flavors. Plus, it’s chock full of vitamins.

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Twelve Step Program (Overeaters Anonymous)

by Christine on August 20th, 2010

filed under Christine's Life Updates

Thank you everyone for your insightful comments on my post yesterday. Who would have guessed that a post about sex would bring out so many comments? Ha! I have some follow-up thoughts and comments about the sex-topic, but I think those will wait for another day.  I will say this: you are all absolutely right that talking about it with my husband is the mature thing to do! Oh, we’ve had PLENTY of talks about sex; however, now that I think about it, it’s been a while since we talked about it. I think this weekend I’ll broach the topic and see how he’s feeling, just to make sure that we’re on the same page.

Yesterday I got bad news: one of the two jobs I’m applying for sent me an email that I was not selected as a candidate. It really got me down because I was actually really excited about the possibility of that job! Immediately after receiving the email, my urge was once again to dive into a pile of chocolate and a pint of beer.  I keep telling myself that it’s “their loss” and that “this didn’t work out for some divine reason,” but I’ll be damned if I can really believe that in my heart. I have an interview with Job #2 next week, the government job. They’ve called me several times to re-arrange the interview time, and they finally asked if I would like to forgo the formal interview with an informal interview over lunch. Hell yes I would, but then I realized: holy crap! I’ve got a lapband! I can’t exactly jump up and run to the bathroom to have a puke session if something gets stuck, eh? I’ll definitely stick to a “safe” food — soup and salad. No meat or pasta for me. I’m not too stressed out about eating at the interview. This is something that I’ve already worked out over the course of time. It would have me really freaked out if it were happening a year ago!

After the bad news yesterday, I had to run after work to meet my friends for a drink at Chilis. Stacy is getting married this weekend, and she had a total meltdown this week. Poor thing! She’s a bundle of stress and nerves. Her fiance’s bachelor party was a wreck, and the bachelor took it out on Stacy, and she melted down, left the house, and didn’t come home! Yikes! They’ve talked since, worked it out (their communication really sucks) and they’re going through with the wedding, but I suspect that Stacy is so stressed out that she’s just praying for the event to be over at this point.  Yesterday my job was to listen to her, gush a lot, and try to get her excited and happy about her big day! Saturday is the wedding; I’ll be sure to post lots of pictures!

So I arrive at Chilis. I get a Blue Moon, and of course it’s 2-for-one, so they bring me two. I drink both beers, naturally. When Stacy and Danielle arrived, they wanted an appetizer. So they ordered chips & salsa, chips & queso, and fries covered in cheese. SeriouslyI dived into that Queso like it was a freaking swimming pool. Yes, I did.  Beer and queso. Really Christine?

We were then supposed to go to the orchestra in the evening, but hubby had to work late. So I went home filled with the urge to eat more crap food. Instead I threw gym clothes on and went to the gym. A SUPER easy workout. I felt disgusting and nauseous as it was; it was way more important that I just get out of the house. I sat on the stationary bike for an hour and a half and read my bike. I don’t know how many calories I burned and I don’t care. I wasn’t home; I didn’t eat. That’s what matters.

I’m disturbed that I keep having the reaction to stress to medicate with food. Oh, I’ve gotten pretty good at distracting myself (eating tunafish instead; having a chocolate protein shake that won’t break the calorie bank; going to the gym;  and so on). But I’m increasingly aware that I’m not solving the knee-jerk reaction. I’m not solving the underlying problem, only putting temporary band-aids on the wounds, if you will.

After my last emotional want-to-binge session the other day, I was telling my friend about my urge for chocolate and beer. He has a friend that recently went through Alcoholics Anonymous, and he thought the friend might be able to offer some advice. Here is what the friend-of-a-friend had to say:

On the compulsion/addiction thing, any 12-step book will work and I am sure Over-eaters anonymous has one.  I would highly recommend her going to some meetings.  The twelve steps are a means of cleaning up and letting go of all the crap we hols on to, mostly resentments, fears, anger, etc.  I guarantee that if someone works the steps seriously their life will improve immensely.  It doesn’t matter what the substance is, that is just the way we deal with the crap inside.  Step 4 is an inventory of all our resentments, just listing them is an amazing way to purge and in doing so you actually loose some of them.  Then you focus on looking at your own part of each resentmnet and owning it.  When you can do this, the resentment goes away. and you are on the road to recovery.  Find a step program for eating and listen and do what they say even if you think its bullshit.  In time she will loose that feeling as see she’s her own progress.  I wish her well and am sending love and compassion for her work ahead.  It is the best thing I ever did and my life, even with all the crap, is better than it ever was vefore.

I think I will look online to see if there are any resources out there (perhaps from Overeaters Anonymous) for someone dealing with the struggles like I am.  I may also look into attending a local OA group. I know there are MANY OA groups around here. The question is whether I think the group can really help and if I have the courage to go to a meeting.

FYI, here are the 12 OA steps:

The Twelve Steps

  1. We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable.
  2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
  3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
  4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
  5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
  6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
  7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
  8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
  9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
  10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
  11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
  12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
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