Leaped off the horse

by Christine on September 14th, 2010

filed under Christine's Life Updates

Yikes. So yesterday was a really, really bad day. I ate. And ate. And ate. And then ate some more.

There’s no excuse for it. I don’t pardon myself by saying “I had a bad day” or “You’ve lost 90 pounds, you deserve to have a free day every now than then” or “what’s the worst that could have happened?”  There was absolutely no excuse for it; I’m lazy, lost focus, felt that my emotional insanity was more important than my health, etc. I completely suck, and I hope that I can make up for it over time.

I’m not sure how bad the damage is; I refused to weigh today.

I’m NOT going to reach my goals if I continue acting in this way. This is counter-productive to getting me to my goals.

Are you holding your breath, waiting for me to change my horrible cheating ways?

You would think after losing 90 pounds that I’d have kicked this emotional binge-eating monster in the ass, but alas, that doesn’t appear to be the case. I will have to work on keeping the binge-eating monster in check for the rest of my life, I think. It’s not easy, as yesterday proved.

I’m feeling out of it, tired, lethargic, and depressed, and today isn’t the first day. In fact, I came into work 2 hours late today partially so I could sleep in. (The other part was to completely clear out my savings account to pay off mounting dental bills [hubby’s] that are accruing because of SHITTY U.S. HEALTHCARE INSURANCE COVERAGE, Goddamn insurance bastards bloodsucking leeches.)

Last night I was fretting over the bills, to which hubby retorted with a snippy reply, “fine, I’ll just never go to the dentist again” which DUH, is NOT the solution needed here, but it also doesn’t solve our money issues! So I fired back at him, and the next thing you know we were fighting, giving each other the cold shoulder, and I spent the night on the couch.  The emotional drain of the entirely day, from the nightmare the morning before to the fight in the evening wiped me out entirely, and I was asleep by…8:30?

But back to my tiredness issues: I battled extreme lethargy a year ago. I’m very lucky that my doctor takes me seriously when I talk to her about it. We found the solution for my extreme tiredness a year ago in the form of a few incredibly expensive, special-ordered pills with a dose high enough to kill a small person (or so the pharmacist said. “Where have you been traveling to?! she asked me in interested horror), but I’m afraid that my tiredness has come back to haunt me. I’m procrastinating seeing El Doctoro again, hoping that I’ll “snap out of it” or something. After all, I’m not convinced that it’s not being caused by something different, for instance, depression in this case.  At the very least…the very very very special-ordered pills she ordered…I can’t swallow because of the gastric band and the size of the pills. It’s a silly reason not to go, but I’m scared. There ya go. I said it.  I’m a chicken. Bawk bawk.

The tiredness is escalating, just like it did the last time. The last few nights I’ve slept 12 hours, then 13 hours, then 14 hours last night. And still I wake up feeling tired.

So yeah. Today I’m going to rein in my eating, go to bed early (again), and try not be a terrible bitch to my husband. That’s the plan.

Have you guys ever tried Emergen-C? It’s a powered thing (like Crystal Lite) that you add to water. It’s a little fizzy, only has 5 calories, and comes in different flavors. Plus, it’s chock full of vitamins.

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Twelve Step Program (Overeaters Anonymous)

by Christine on August 20th, 2010

filed under Christine's Life Updates

Thank you everyone for your insightful comments on my post yesterday. Who would have guessed that a post about sex would bring out so many comments? Ha! I have some follow-up thoughts and comments about the sex-topic, but I think those will wait for another day.  I will say this: you are all absolutely right that talking about it with my husband is the mature thing to do! Oh, we’ve had PLENTY of talks about sex; however, now that I think about it, it’s been a while since we talked about it. I think this weekend I’ll broach the topic and see how he’s feeling, just to make sure that we’re on the same page.

Yesterday I got bad news: one of the two jobs I’m applying for sent me an email that I was not selected as a candidate. It really got me down because I was actually really excited about the possibility of that job! Immediately after receiving the email, my urge was once again to dive into a pile of chocolate and a pint of beer.  I keep telling myself that it’s “their loss” and that “this didn’t work out for some divine reason,” but I’ll be damned if I can really believe that in my heart. I have an interview with Job #2 next week, the government job. They’ve called me several times to re-arrange the interview time, and they finally asked if I would like to forgo the formal interview with an informal interview over lunch. Hell yes I would, but then I realized: holy crap! I’ve got a lapband! I can’t exactly jump up and run to the bathroom to have a puke session if something gets stuck, eh? I’ll definitely stick to a “safe” food — soup and salad. No meat or pasta for me. I’m not too stressed out about eating at the interview. This is something that I’ve already worked out over the course of time. It would have me really freaked out if it were happening a year ago!

After the bad news yesterday, I had to run after work to meet my friends for a drink at Chilis. Stacy is getting married this weekend, and she had a total meltdown this week. Poor thing! She’s a bundle of stress and nerves. Her fiance’s bachelor party was a wreck, and the bachelor took it out on Stacy, and she melted down, left the house, and didn’t come home! Yikes! They’ve talked since, worked it out (their communication really sucks) and they’re going through with the wedding, but I suspect that Stacy is so stressed out that she’s just praying for the event to be over at this point.  Yesterday my job was to listen to her, gush a lot, and try to get her excited and happy about her big day! Saturday is the wedding; I’ll be sure to post lots of pictures!

So I arrive at Chilis. I get a Blue Moon, and of course it’s 2-for-one, so they bring me two. I drink both beers, naturally. When Stacy and Danielle arrived, they wanted an appetizer. So they ordered chips & salsa, chips & queso, and fries covered in cheese. SeriouslyI dived into that Queso like it was a freaking swimming pool. Yes, I did.  Beer and queso. Really Christine?

We were then supposed to go to the orchestra in the evening, but hubby had to work late. So I went home filled with the urge to eat more crap food. Instead I threw gym clothes on and went to the gym. A SUPER easy workout. I felt disgusting and nauseous as it was; it was way more important that I just get out of the house. I sat on the stationary bike for an hour and a half and read my bike. I don’t know how many calories I burned and I don’t care. I wasn’t home; I didn’t eat. That’s what matters.

I’m disturbed that I keep having the reaction to stress to medicate with food. Oh, I’ve gotten pretty good at distracting myself (eating tunafish instead; having a chocolate protein shake that won’t break the calorie bank; going to the gym;  and so on). But I’m increasingly aware that I’m not solving the knee-jerk reaction. I’m not solving the underlying problem, only putting temporary band-aids on the wounds, if you will.

After my last emotional want-to-binge session the other day, I was telling my friend about my urge for chocolate and beer. He has a friend that recently went through Alcoholics Anonymous, and he thought the friend might be able to offer some advice. Here is what the friend-of-a-friend had to say:

On the compulsion/addiction thing, any 12-step book will work and I am sure Over-eaters anonymous has one.  I would highly recommend her going to some meetings.  The twelve steps are a means of cleaning up and letting go of all the crap we hols on to, mostly resentments, fears, anger, etc.  I guarantee that if someone works the steps seriously their life will improve immensely.  It doesn’t matter what the substance is, that is just the way we deal with the crap inside.  Step 4 is an inventory of all our resentments, just listing them is an amazing way to purge and in doing so you actually loose some of them.  Then you focus on looking at your own part of each resentmnet and owning it.  When you can do this, the resentment goes away. and you are on the road to recovery.  Find a step program for eating and listen and do what they say even if you think its bullshit.  In time she will loose that feeling as see she’s her own progress.  I wish her well and am sending love and compassion for her work ahead.  It is the best thing I ever did and my life, even with all the crap, is better than it ever was vefore.

I think I will look online to see if there are any resources out there (perhaps from Overeaters Anonymous) for someone dealing with the struggles like I am.  I may also look into attending a local OA group. I know there are MANY OA groups around here. The question is whether I think the group can really help and if I have the courage to go to a meeting.

FYI, here are the 12 OA steps:

The Twelve Steps

  1. We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable.
  2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
  3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
  4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
  5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
  6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
  7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
  8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
  9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
  10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
  11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
  12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
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149.0 (76 lbs lost): Avoiding the Binge

by Christine on May 11th, 2010

filed under Christine's Life Updates, General Information

Yesterday I guess I had a mini-meltdown. It must be the week I’m having or something: first I melt-down at eye surgery, and then again yesterday.  The day didn’t start off all bad. It was good, in fact!  You see, it was my second wedding anniversary!  Between eye surgery, mother’s day, cleaning up for the housecleaners to come, etc., my husband and I both forgot about it entirely. My Outlook calendar reminded me, so I called Aaron and we both had a good giggle over it.

I spend most of the day thinking what a fortunate person that I ended up with someone as kind and supportive as Aaron. I had warm and fuzzies all day long. Around 4 p.m. I sat down to write an update to my blog, and it turned into memories of Dreaded Wedding Dress Shopping. Oh dear heavens, what a nightmare that was. Imagine being a size 22/24 and trying to shop — ALONE — for a wedding dress in stores that only offer Size 6 as the only display model. It was a disaster. I bought three — yes, THREE — wedding dresses, and hated every single one of them.  I was a puddle of sobbing dribble in about 50 dressing rooms.  I ended up with a $60 prom dress from JC Penny that worked out fine enough for a cruise-ship wedding, but I still get sad when I think of how that experience put such a negative association in my head with the wedding.

That thought pattern then turned to my issues with friends. I’m going to need to go into much, much more detail at a later point and solicit opinions/advice from anyone out there in cyberland (is anyone even reading this blog, anyway?) You see, I’ve got a friends-jinx hanging over my head.  It’s been like this my whole life. A good example:  when I got married, we ended up not having any wedding party standing up with us. We talked about it and we ALMOST decided to have just one friend stand up for each of us (instead of a big fancy to-do). The person I would have wanted to stand up for me was a friend named John that I’ve been friends with since high-school, since he’s known me the longest and, I suppose, better than most of my other friends. Well, John didn’t even show up to my wedding.  So yeah, I’ve got this terrible friend-jinx where I perceive our friendship as much closer than the other person apparently does, and it’s very, very bothersome to me. How do I deal with it? I push it wayyyyy back into the recesses of my brain, and try to just move forwards with life. It’s marginally easier for me now because I have a lot of acquaintences, but it was much harder when I was younger, had very few people in my life at all, and desperately wanted — no, NEEDED — a Best Friend with whom I could confide in and spend time with.

This compartmentalizing tactic works for the most part, except for days like yesterday when I allow my brain to tap into 32 years worth of hurtful memories, and the overwhelming flood of emotion shuts me down. I became very upset. The whole drive home I tried grappling with the swarm of feelings coming to the surface. I walked into my nicely cleaned house, went straight into the kitchen, grabbed a box of Girl Scout Cookies sitting on the counter. I sat down on my crappy linoleum floor, opened the box, and dived in.

Yup. I did. You’d think that after losing 75+ pounds I’d learn better strategies for coping with overwhelming feelings, but there you have it.

I had three cookies. Three. The binge could have been much, much worse, but I’m disappointed with myself for reaching for the box in the first place.

Three cookies. I took a big breath, stuffed that package of Thin Mints back into the box, and stood up. Aaron got home shortly afterwards. I told him that I had planned to take him golfing or to a driving range, or to play laser tag, or to go to dinner and a movie, etc.  However, I explained that I was feeling like crap, and I didn’t want to do anything except burn off that negativity at the gym.  He gave me a great big hug and said that he understood.  Instead he ate oreo cookies and played online games (LOTR) while I was gone. When I got home I made some tomato soup and we watched a few episodes of tv that we missed last week, and went to sleep early.  I felt much better after going to the gym. I did indeed burn off a lot of that negativity swirling around in my head.

I really do have the world’s best and most understanding husband in the world, don’t I? How the hell did I get so lucky?

So…how do you avoid a binge when you’re in the middle of an emotional rollercoaster? Let’s face it, I think everyone in the world is an emotional eater at heart, only some people have learned healthier strategies for dealing with emotional conflict.  What is your tactic?

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