Decorating the xmas tree!

by Christine on December 6th, 2011

filed under Christine's Life Updates

Eeyores helping out.

Cat supervising.

Good times!

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Catching up on the mental aspects of weight loss

by Christine on December 5th, 2011

filed under Christine's Life Updates, Gastric Banding Surgery

On Friday I was hanging out with a friend, drinking some truth serum, and sharing insights. My friend shared that he thinks that my depression that I have been dealing with lately is due to a major identity crisis. “I don’t think that your head has really wrapped itself around the weight loss you have had,” he said. “And I don’t think you’ve really figured out who you want this new Christine to be.”

Huh.

You know, I think he is onto something, on both accounts. I don’t think I’ve really wrapped my head around my weight loss. Oh sure, I’ve had a jolly good time shopping for clothes in new, small sizes. I still get a major thrill whenever I buy something in a Size 2 or 4! I’ve embraced all the NSVs, and I’ve embraced the number on the scale. I have worked hard at Maintenance Mode, and one year later I’m doing pretty good with it.

But all of that stuff is external, really. I definitely haven’t embraced the image I see in the mirror. I still battle with the urge to lose MORE weight, and I definitely do not have an accurate vision of what my body truly looks like. My weight loss has had an impact on the relationships that I have with other people. I’ve lost several friends due to their jealousy over my weight loss. I interact with people–especially men–in a completely different way. I flirt, and I’ve never done that before. I am not used to the attention I get. I have difficulty looking people in the eyes; I’m still afraid of what I see reflected back at me. Scorn? Disgust? Nothing at all?

I could go on and on. There’s a lot of mental and emotional stuff to embrace with a major weight loss, and I definitely haven’t addressed a lot of those mental issues. It’s funny to me that I’m coming to this realization 3 years after my surgery, and one year after reaching my goal weight.

But my friend was also right when he pointed out that I haven’t figured out who I want this new Christine to be.  I definitely don’t want to stay the same old Christine–the one that is afraid to look people in the eye, the one that’s filled with self-loathing, the one that many times would rather die than to embrace Life.  Who should New Christine be? What kinds of clothes should she wear? What kind of attitude should she have? How can New Christine interact with people in a more positive and rewarding way? How can New Christine go through life happier, with a more rewarding and fulfilling life?

Yup, this depression may very well be caused by a much larger identity crisis.

I’ve been trying to sort through that this weekend. Maybe even come up with some answers to that.

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Reaching out for help

by Christine on December 1st, 2011

filed under Christine's Life Updates

Well, I finally decided that “enough is enough.” Two months of trying my antidepressants and getting nowhere is too long. So yesterday I called my GP doctor to switch up my medicine (but I won’t be able to get in to see her for THREE WEEKS!) and I also made an appointment with a counselor.

Something has gotta give.

Sigh.

126.0 this morning. Still maintaining.

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