Friday Blues

by Christine on August 13th, 2010

filed under Christine's Life Updates

TGIF, right?

I’m in a foul-assed mood today. My day started off with a meeting with staffers; they are going on vacation so I’ll “be in charge” next week. Great. There’s a Very Important Project that needs to get done next week — a professor’s promotion and tenure relies on it — so I’ll be in charge of wrapping it up and sending it off. Great, no problem. I’m excited to be given something to work on.

Next we have a meeting with a program head to discuss how to make the process of writing, editing, reviewing, laying out, and publishing one of our research reports easier in the future. The meeting discussed my flaws, areas I need to improve, etc. I was very professional, nodded my head, took notes, apologized, thanked everyone for the constructive feedback. Inside, I’m dying — I take a lot of pride in my work, and I desperately want to be in a job where I can work my ass off and come home knowing without a shadow of a doubt that I’m amazing at my job. This job…not so much.

Meeting #3, I sat down with my boss to do my mid-year performance evaluation. She discussed areas I need to improve and training programs she will look to sign me up for. Overall, they like me. I nearly spit my drink out at her when she said something to the effect of, “I know you work really hard, and I feel confident that you’re not, like, sitting at your desk twiddling your thumbs or anything.”

Really?

I nodded a lot, thanked her for her feedback, commented about how helpful this process was, said, “please let me know how I can improve or talk to me anytime as situations come up” and tried to be as professional as possible.

Then it’s lunchtime, and I want to eat everything in sight. I’ve got a stack of one-dollar bills in my wallet, and that’ll get me quite a few vending machine chocolates.   I could walk down the street and drink two martinis, straight up.  Who am I kidding — I meant three martinis. There’s a bakery nearby; I could walk down the street and get a whole cake, just for myself. Maybe an ice cream to boot, on the way back to the office. Oh, I desperately, desperately want to! I feel miserable. Guilty. I felt like a worthless piece of shit. Instead, I sat at my desk and ate some pistachios and read 30 pages of my book. Enter the world of Outlander, instead of the World of Christine today.

This afternoon just won’t end. Jesus. It’s pretty much more of the same. Criticism from everyone.

So I’m in a foul mood. Read my post from yesterday about the Atomic Bomb Museum. It’s a lot more uplifting in a cry-your-eyes-out kind of way.  It’s a lot better written than this drivel, anyway.

My interview yesterday with the publishing company went great. I think. It’s sometimes hard to get a real, authentic read on business development people because it’s their job to be friendly.  Overall, I think I kicked some ass. I’m WAY excited about what the job entails. I’ll be surprised if I’m not called for the third interview. I’m doubly excited about a new job prospect after a day like today, but after my performance review and my boss trying hard to help me get up to speed, I’m feeling guiltier than all get out over looking for something different. But working here…I just feel so battered, bored, and lonely.

Basically, I just want to cry.

I think I’ll go to the symphony tonight. Sit on the lawn. Drink some beer. Bring some kleenex and have myself a good cry.

Did I mention that I’m fucking starving and I don’t trust myself around ANY FOOD AT ALL right now? I can’t trust myself at all…until this mood passes on by. UGH.  No self control whatsoever. I must avoid food entirely, or have someone chaperone me.

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  • http://responsibility199.blogspot.com/ Patrick

    Tuna, you have any bumble tuna nearby? Seems I recall you had a run in before with temptations from food around you and you warded it off with tuna. Pistachios seem to work well too. Today I fought off an urge to stray with a handful of almonds. My experience, work evaluations are just an exercise in corporate cover-your-ass. Seldom is feedback truly beneficial meaning substance is usually lacking in the process. Sounds like you have good opportunity at hand in that project on your desk while others are of vacationing – Cool!

  • http://responsibility199.blogspot.com/ Patrick

    Tuna, you have any bumble tuna nearby? Seems I recall you had a run in before with temptations from food around you and you warded it off with tuna. Pistachios seem to work well too. Today I fought off an urge to stray with a handful of almonds. My experience, work evaluations are just an exercise in corporate cover-your-ass. Seldom is feedback truly beneficial meaning substance is usually lacking in the process. Sounds like you have good opportunity at hand in that project on your desk while others are of vacationing – Cool!

  • http://drfattyfindsfitness.blogspot.com Ann

    Sorry you’ve had such a rough day. Go enjoy the symphony and let it go for a while. Go get something safe to eat, like…fruit. But do it at home. Going in a store is probably not a good idea.

  • http://drfattyfindsfitness.blogspot.com Ann

    Sorry you’ve had such a rough day. Go enjoy the symphony and let it go for a while. Go get something safe to eat, like…fruit. But do it at home. Going in a store is probably not a good idea.

  • http://herewegoholdontight.blogspot.com Lesia Davis

    I have days like that too. They suck! Get better. smile.

  • http://herewegoholdontight.blogspot.com Lesia Davis

    I have days like that too. They suck! Get better. smile.

  • Allan

    Sucky day, but an entertaining post !!! Maybe you need a crappy life to get exposure…
    Still da bomb in my book !!!

  • Allan

    Sucky day, but an entertaining post !!! Maybe you need a crappy life to get exposure…
    Still da bomb in my book !!!

  • http://islandbandit.blogspot.com Island Bandit

    awwwwwwww….. {{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}}}}} days like today SUCK! at least it happened on a friday and you have the weekend to chill and enjoy life a bit. Very proud of you for not using food to heal the hurt.

  • http://islandbandit.blogspot.com Island Bandit

    awwwwwwww….. {{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}}}}} days like today SUCK! at least it happened on a friday and you have the weekend to chill and enjoy life a bit. Very proud of you for not using food to heal the hurt.

  • http://imjustanotherfatgirl.blogspot.com I’m Just Another Fat Girl -jaf

    In 6 minutes it’ll be tomorrow and you say

    “Fuck You, Friday!”

    -jafg

  • http://imjustanotherfatgirl.blogspot.com I’m Just Another Fat Girl -jafg

    In 6 minutes it’ll be tomorrow and you say

    “Fuck You, Friday!”

    -jafg

  • http://freckleonthenose.blogspot.com Freckle on the Nose of Life’s

    Man, what a day. If I knew you, I’d go have some beers with you!

    It sounds like you took their criticism really well and handled it professionally, but it really sucks to hear stuff like that. Especially when the person giving the criticism doesn’t know much about what you do other than that it does not include twiddling your thumbs. Geeze.

    Hope your weekend is a good one!

  • http://freckleonthenose.blogspot.com Freckle on the Nose of Life’s Complexion

    Man, what a day. If I knew you, I’d go have some beers with you!

    It sounds like you took their criticism really well and handled it professionally, but it really sucks to hear stuff like that. Especially when the person giving the criticism doesn’t know much about what you do other than that it does not include twiddling your thumbs. Geeze.

    Hope your weekend is a good one!

  • http://www.sparklersstory.blogspot.com Sparkler

    Well, you did super well in my book not to start blubbering in the meeting…not sure I could have pulled it off myself.

    Another thing I’m impressed about is that you managed to keep control of your eating despite the perfect excuse not to. Good on you, you didn’t let them derail your progress.

    I hope that you’re feeling much better today. xx

  • http://www.sparklersstory.blogspot.com Sparkler

    Well, you did super well in my book not to start blubbering in the meeting…not sure I could have pulled it off myself.

    Another thing I’m impressed about is that you managed to keep control of your eating despite the perfect excuse not to. Good on you, you didn’t let them derail your progress.

    I hope that you’re feeling much better today. xx