Catching up on the mental aspects of weight loss

by Christine on December 5th, 2011

filed under Christine's Life Updates, Gastric Banding Surgery

On Friday I was hanging out with a friend, drinking some truth serum, and sharing insights. My friend shared that he thinks that my depression that I have been dealing with lately is due to a major identity crisis. “I don’t think that your head has really wrapped itself around the weight loss you have had,” he said. “And I don’t think you’ve really figured out who you want this new Christine to be.”

Huh.

You know, I think he is onto something, on both accounts. I don’t think I’ve really wrapped my head around my weight loss. Oh sure, I’ve had a jolly good time shopping for clothes in new, small sizes. I still get a major thrill whenever I buy something in a Size 2 or 4! I’ve embraced all the NSVs, and I’ve embraced the number on the scale. I have worked hard at Maintenance Mode, and one year later I’m doing pretty good with it.

But all of that stuff is external, really. I definitely haven’t embraced the image I see in the mirror. I still battle with the urge to lose MORE weight, and I definitely do not have an accurate vision of what my body truly looks like. My weight loss has had an impact on the relationships that I have with other people. I’ve lost several friends due to their jealousy over my weight loss. I interact with people–especially men–in a completely different way. I flirt, and I’ve never done that before. I am not used to the attention I get. I have difficulty looking people in the eyes; I’m still afraid of what I see reflected back at me. Scorn? Disgust? Nothing at all?

I could go on and on. There’s a lot of mental and emotional stuff to embrace with a major weight loss, and I definitely haven’t addressed a lot of those mental issues. It’s funny to me that I’m coming to this realization 3 years after my surgery, and one year after reaching my goal weight.

But my friend was also right when he pointed out that I haven’t figured out who I want this new Christine to be.¬† I definitely don’t want to stay the same old Christine–the one that is afraid to look people in the eye, the one that’s filled with self-loathing, the one that many times would rather die than to embrace Life.¬† Who should New Christine be? What kinds of clothes should she wear? What kind of attitude should she have? How can New Christine interact with people in a more positive and rewarding way? How can New Christine go through life happier, with a more rewarding and fulfilling life?

Yup, this depression may very well be caused by a much larger identity crisis.

I’ve been trying to sort through that this weekend. Maybe even come up with some answers to that.

Related Posts with Thumbnails
Share
  • Jenny M Foy

    Just like¬†maintenance, I think self-image is a continual journey. The being comfortable part may be the easiest to come out of both aspects, (i’m still working on getting there) but the realistic view of yourself may never come. If it does, it’s a short stop until something else happens that brings you back a step. What a ride, right? lol. Hang in there Christine. The bottom line is that fat, skinny or in between, we all struggle continually. It’s just a matter of being gentle enough with yourself to be able to make it through the tough times.

  • http://onmyweightohappiness.blogspot.com/ Sarah

    That totally makes sense! It’s something I am still dealing with myself, of the impact of how much I really have lost, who I see in the mirror, how others react to me and what not. Reality hasn’t caught up to me yet and it scares me if it ever will. Will I ever be happy at a certain weight? Even now I kind of want to lose more. It’s a process for sure of learning to love and accept the “new” you!

  • ctee

    Perhaps you lost friends because you have already become a different person? Just a thought…

    • Minerva

      That’s a really crappy thing to say. I don’t know how long you have known her, but I have known her for 10 plus years and have read her blog consistently. To me, the only thing that has changed about her is her physical appearance. When you lose that much weight, it is a difficult thing to embrace. It doesn’t make you different, it makes you self conscious. My momma taught me that if you don’t have any nice or constructive to add, to keep your mouth shut. Being that you don’t have any examples to back up your statement, you probably shouldn’t have added your two cents. This statement really infuriated me. It takes a lot for a person to expose her soul as Christine has. Shame on you.