The blues have me restricted.

by Christine on September 9th, 2011

filed under Christine's Life Updates, General Information

I’m not doing very well over here.  Mentally. Depression, you know. It’s been a rough few days, honestly.

I’ve always dealt with depression, from as young as I can remember really. All my earliest memories are of crying myself to sleep and feeling unconsolable, out of place, unwanted, unnecessary. Even at 4 or 5 years old. I had a suicide attempt when I was 19, and ended up in the hospital, stomach pumped and all that jazz. After that, I thankfully recognized that the never-ending melancholy was depression (you’d think that would be a real “duh” thing, but I grew up in a family that refused to go to doctors, and “you’ll get over it” was our family motto.) and finally got some medication for it. What a lifesaver that was–literally.

Medication helps a lot.  But medicating depression is one of those tricky things because after you take it for a while, you feel better, and then you decide that you don’t need the medicine anymore! And then after a while the depression comes back, and it’s kind of this never-ending cycle.

For the longest time I was convinced–CONVINCED!!–that the cause of my depression was my weight.  My weight prevented me from doing the things I wanted to do. My weight kept people at bay, made it hard to make friends and be outgoing. My weight kept me from having a decent amount of self-esteem or even self-respect. While all of these things are true–my weight did create obstacles for me all the time, every day–I’ve also learned recently that sometimes depression is just a medical/chemical thing, and isn’t necessarily caused by any one thing, like weight. Sure, it can be influenced and triggered by circumstantial events, but it’s not always the cause of the mood.

Although I know that there is a lot of things going on with me right now that is triggering the depression, I wonder how depression has been affected to some extent by the weight loss surgery. For instance, I think there’s a kind of let-down once you reach your goal weight. It’s kind of like a bride after her wedding; there’s a kind of “Now what?” feeling? That exhilaration you feel every time you step on the scale and see a drop is no longer there. There’s nothing to be fighting for. It’s a let down in some ways. For me, I think the fact that I’m slowly regaining some of my weight is causing the depression. It makes me feel like I STILL don’t have control over my body and my weight, even after all this time and surgery. It’s extremely frustrating.

But really, this total sense of tiredness, listlessness, emptiness inside…it’s coming on for multitudes of reasons. Yesterday I pulled out my last stash of anti-depressants, and I’ll call my doctor for an official prescription renewal. I informed hubby about how I’m feeling, so he’s on “Christine-Watch” now and will help me monitor my mood and stuff. He’s super awesome like that.

Because of how I’m feeling, I can’t eat a thing. I never experienced my gastric band reacting to my mood quite as much as it currently is doing right now. I tried having some chicken noodle soup for lunch yesterday but it was so tight and restrictive I ended up barfing it all up. For dinner (out at pub trivia) I had a cup of cream of chicken soup–totally blended and creamy–and barfed all that up too.  This morning I woke up at 3 a.m. (I was at work at 4 a.m.!) and have been dry-heaving all morning. I don’t know if it’s the medicine making my stomach wonky today. Maybe.

Can’t sleep. Can’t eat. Can’t think straight. My anxiety is off-the-charts. (OMG because I left the house so early today, I forgot to turn off the alarm clock and it’s going off RIGHT NOW and it might go on all day! I feel like driving home to take care of it. I can’t believe I screwed up the freaking ALARM CLOCK!) Smothering feelings of being unnecessary, worthless, guilty, anxiety and worry…I simultaneously feel like I’m drowning and feel completely empty inside, too. Just flat, emotionless.  I either want to eat everything in sight (which I’m sure I’d barf up from the restriction) or want to eat nothing at all. I’m a wreck and really not doing well.

Sorry to be such a downer today.

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  • Ronnie’s Bandumentary

    I definitely know what you mean about being depressed. I have been on and off meds since I was a pre-teen, and I’m finding now that it’s not weight related like my doctors (and maybe even I) always thought it was.

    Don’t be sorry for speaking your mind on your blog, sometimes life is just hard. *hugs!*

  • Drfattofit

    I know what depression is like. It’s no fun. Make sure you eat a little something with any anti-depressant. They all cause nausea sometimes. I hope things get better soon.

  • Sarah G

    You’re going to need an unfill to get a handle on the irritation that throwing up on top of already being tight has caused. I hope you feel better soon mentally and physically!

    ((hugs))

  • Jenny

    HUGS! I’m not my super positive self these last few weeks either. Stress! Bah Humbug. I did read some great motivational posts today that have me feeling up and mixed with yours, its balance. 
    I like that everyone has good and bad! Chin up buttercup! This too shall pass.