Panic! at the Doctor: A Girl’s Saga

by Christine on May 10th, 2011

filed under Christine's Life Updates, General Information

Yesterday was a terribly traumatizing day for me.  But it involves a little bit of backstory, I guess, in order to understand why I was such a headcase. This information is not easy for me to share–I really would prefer to keep it private–but if I can help even one person who is going through a similar situation, then I will consider it worth while sharing my experience.

…deep breath…

While we were on our vacation a week or so ago, I experienced an irregular period. It came 2 weeks early (so I didn’t have anything on hand) and there was a lot of bleeding and clotting. A LOT of clotting. Enormous amounts of it.

My lovely girlfriends here online, on my forum, (who do such a great job of looking out for me, thank you so much for all you do!) suggested strongly that I go to see my doctor to discuss this strangeness.

Now, I have the most awesome General Physician (GP) on the planet. Truly, the woman is amazing and dispels all the myths of modern-day, uncaring doctors.  I do not, on the other hand, have a OBGYN doctor. I have never been to an OBGYN. I’ve never had a pap smear or any other girlie-exam.

…deep breath…

I’m terrified to, to be honest. When I was younger…much, much younger…I was abused. Emotionally, physically and yes, even sexually. This abuse absolutely and positively has to do with my disordered relationship with food. My abused past has a direct impact on my past weight gain.  Because of my bad memories and PTSD, I have avoided going to see a gyno. Oh, certainly a great deal of my anxiety is natural–I’m worried about being embarrassed, about it hurting, and about what they might find while they’re down there investigating. God forbid something actually be wrong down there! I know, my past is even more reason to see a gyno, but whenever I have picked up the phone to make an appointment, I’ve had a total breakdown and panic attack.  I can’t do it.

I’ve talked to my GP about my fear before, and while she has voiced her concern about my adamant refusal to see an OGBYN, she has also been incredibly understanding and supportive. A few years ago she offered to do the exam herself because I thoroughly trust her, and she also offered to sedate with me to make me a little more comfortable. I thanked her for the offer and told her “no,” that I wasn’t ready for that.

Well, with my funky period–not to mention being hugely overdue for a routine exam–I think it is time to face my fears.

Yesterday I made an appointment with Doctor Awesomeness, my GP, to tell her what happened and to ask her what I should do now.  I feared that she would want to do an exam right there, right then, but I was mentally prepared to let the exam happen. I am ready to face my fears. All day at work, I had one anxiety attack after another. I was shaking, hyperventilating at times. I broke down with uncontrolled tears a few times; I got diarrhea from my nerves.  I kept telling myself to calm down, that it is “no big deal” and reminded myself that I didn’t even know what Doctor Awesomeness was going to tell me.  I tried to eat some chicken noodle soup for lunch, but had zero appetite. I dry heaved in the bathroom.

Finally, at 4 pm, I had my doctor’s appointment. Doctor Awesomeness held my shaking hands as I told her what was going on. We had a long conversation about my fears, but I told her I was okay with letting her do the exam. She was so accommodating–she wrote me a prescription for a sedative, offered to come into the office even outside of regular hours so long as it accommodated my schedule, told me exactly what I could expect and what would happen. She is very straight-forward and honest, but also incredibly empathetic and understanding. She never once belittled or diminished how I felt. She never told me that I was being irrational about nothing. No; she just held my hand and gave me options, promised to take care of me, and offered to do anything she could to make me comfortable.

She told me that the funky period sounds like a miscarriage, but it could also be fibroids or something else happening on my girlie-organs. She wants me to go in for an ultrasound as well, just to see if there are any growths or abnormalities going on down there.  She will also do a blood test because she said the thyroid could possibly cause irregular menstrual cycles, and I do have a history of having a wacky, under-productive thyroid.

In the end, all of my worrying yesterday was for nothing, but now I have two more appointments to panic over. I will be very glad when these doctors visits are over with.

I surprised myself with one enormous change in mindset yesterday. When I was younger (in my teens and 20s) and adamant about never seeing a OBGYN, my mindset was this: “If I go to the OBGYN and nothing is wrong, I had to go through enormous amounts of emotional trauma for absolutely nothing, which is ridiculous. If I go to the doctor and something IS wrong, it means I’ll have to experience more and more trauma, more and more doctor’s appointments. I would honestly rather die than go through that emotional nightmare!”

But that was then. This is now. My mindset yesterday was, “I love my life, I love my husband, I love my new self, and I want to do everything I can to make sure I’m here to enjoy tomorrow, even if it means going through a little emotional distress.”

That’s a pretty significant transformation, and I really think my weight loss has a lot to do with it. I feel like I value myself more in this new body. I’m happier, too. It’s really amazing to see the ways in which weight loss affects you, and not just physically.

By the way, today is my 3rd wedding Anniversary! Happy Anniversary, Husband! I love you very, very much.

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  • http://profiles.google.com/fab50kate Fab Kate

    This is a significant breakthrough for you! I understand. You’re taking a huge step in not allowing your past to continue to dictate your future. ((hugs))

  • http://profiles.google.com/fab50kate Fab Kate

    You are no longer allowing your past to dictate your future. This is a HUGE step. I understand. ((hugs))

  • http://profiles.google.com/fab50kate Fab Kate

    DUH!
    double comment. (sorry)

  • Karenogle133

    Happy Anniversary, Christine. I’m sure you will do fine with your appointments and I’m glad to decided to face this now rather than later. I understand how hard it is but you will feel so much better once the exams are done and you know what is going on. I will keep you in my thoughts.

  • island bandit

    I’m so proud of you for getting over that mental and emotional hurdle. You’re definitely worth taking care of and the only way to do that is to let a professional take a look and see what’s going on. You’ll be fine. Sounds like you’re in awesome hands and hats off to your GP for being so understanding. Hoping everything’s ok and this is the end of it

  • Linn K Pettersen

    I’m really proud of you for overcoming your fear and going to the doctor. <3

  • Sarah g

    I’m so sorry you experienced that gut wrenching anxiety. I am so proud that you over came it and got things going though!

    Happy anniversary!!

  • Heather

    Sharing is a big step in healing. You are on the right track! Happy anniversary. I love your picture.

  • Patrick

    Christine, sorry to hear abuse was such a part of your youth. The stress from that is understandable in how it affects how guarded you are on some things as you’ve grown.

    Indeed it is a great victory for you that you’ve been able to come to see the need to step up, and do whats best for you even though it requires facing your deepest of fears. This says allot about you. It says you really can do anything once you realize it is what is in your best interest.

    No doubt I believe you need to seek the professional help you need when your body isn’t acting as you know it should. It really is our duty to take care of ourselves. And I’m thrilled you’ve taken this next step in doing that for yourself.

    Hang in there with the appointments ahead of you; respect the fear you have while embracing the courage within you which is more powerful than any fear.

    Happy Anniversay !

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