Emily has lost a pound! Bathing suit trials, and a heart attack.

by Christine on April 14th, 2011

filed under Christine's Life Updates

Emily has lost a pound! Hooray! Congrats to you Emily!! Keep up the good work! (And thank you for the shout out!)

I’ve been going through bathing suit trials and tribulations as I prepare for my vacation in warmer weather.  I have a one-piece bathing suit that I bought last year (Size 8) that is very cute. But I’m, what, 30 pounds thinner this year. And…I thought...is this the year that I can finally wear a two-piece swimsuit? For the first time in my life?

I bought a two-piece swimsuit (gasp! A bikini with boyshort bottoms. Very cute.) but sadly I don’t think I can pull it off. It’s mostly okay, but with my dislocated port and loose skin in my belly area, my husband thinks that the swimsuit is a “no go.”  Bummer.

So it looks like I’ll be sticking with a one-piece bathing suit. Some things are just outside of our control, I guess.

And speaking out out of our control, I got a call last night that my father had a heart attack. He had 99% percent blockage in one of his three main arteries going to his heart. Getting timely information from my family, as well as honest-truthful information about what is going on is impossible. I’m feeling worried, scared, anxious, frustrated, and angry. However, my mother made it very clear to me that I have no right to be feeling any of the emotions that I’m feeling. This is a common theme in my relationship with my family, especially my mother. As I was hitting up Paneras immediately after the phonecall to shovel food into my face, I had an ENLIGHTENING MOMENT with regards to my weight issues.

My feelings, all of my life, have been constantly being repressed, pushed aside, and deemed not important.  The problem with that (other than being intrinsically cruel and unfair) is that I have no means by which to express my emotions. It’s not just that my family doesn’t say, “I acknowledge your feelings but I disagree with them” but it goes further into “how dare you! you have no right to feel the way you do.”

These bottled up emotions have no place to go, and then I get all betwixed thinking that there’s something wrong with me, and I should be feeling differently than I really do. I’ve known that I binge on food when I’m emotional; I always thought that binging on food was a comforting figure for me–kind of like the mother I never had to comfort me when I’m feeling emotional. But that’s not it, not exactly. I use food as a means of expression. The hurt, pain, frustration, anger, fear…those feelings get bottled up inside me with no place to go, so I eat in order to express myself through food.

It’s a small difference, but a significant one.

I could rant and rave at this point…give a bunch of examples of what I’m talking about, but I think this isn’t the time or place for it. Right now I’m happy that my dad is okay and healing up after his surgery, but I’m feeling bottled up and trapped, especially with this vacation looming…two days before we leave. I need to put on my “happy!! let’s go on vacation!!” face and not be a total downer, so it’s repress, repress, repress for me.

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  • island bandit

    sorry to hear about your dad. Hope he’s on the mend and back to 100% real soon. And sorry to hear your mom has trouble acknowledging the fact that you too have a right to feel however you do about any given situation.
    and really sorry that you’re not rockin the bikini – funky port, skin n all….. I tried on one-pieces but I have a short torso and they just made me look all squat so bikini it was!

  • Patrick

    Thank You for your thoughts on my blog re: my surgery this week, appreciate all of your support over nearly a year now.

    Two Piece! I case you were looking for votes from the blog world.

    Your father; very sorry to hear he had this heart attack. Working on prayers for him & you now. Also sorry to hear you’ve been told you have no right to feel as you do by your family. Clearly no matter what the back story is that would have your mother say such a thing, no matter what you have a right to feel as you do and express them. They are your feelings, you decide.

    Hopefully your husband, immediate friends, and perhaps fellow bloggers can help you get your feelings out and heard. Food is always there as an outlet, but we know that isnt the best outlet.

    As you note, being happy your dad is recovering well is plenty to be glad for, plenty to express (not repress) with a smile or however you choose.