When will I stop wanting to change myself?

by Christine on December 15th, 2010

filed under Christine's Life Updates, Diet, Food, Nutrition

Well, last night’s outing to Dinosaur BBQ was a fun time. Because the restaurant is new to town, there was a long wait. Fortunately, we found a seat in the bar area, so we sat down right away and got our food much earlier than we anticipated! I ended up ordering a sampler platter (1/4 of a chicken, 2 ribs, and a few slices of brisket, all in BBQ sauce) with two sides: cheesy beer soup and a side salad. Now, this is a very unhealthy choice and not one that I would recommend to any dieters out there. However, because I eat so little, I knew that this meal would feed me for three additional meals.  Last night I ate all the soup (I figured that wouldn’t travel home well) and a few bites of chicken.  For lunch today I had the side salad and the rest of the chicken. I still have ribs and brisket left.  So…while the meal was a calorie nightmare, you can still indulge in yummy food so long as you keep your portion sizes in mind!

This morning I was stranded at home (hubby still hasn’t fixed my car), so I’ve been watching some old movies. I should enjoy this opportunity to relax and watch movies, but I’m really getting antsy and anxious and bored. I can’t wait to start my new job! It can’t come fast enough.

I was standing in front of the mirror looking at my face this morning, and I was thinking how strange perception can be. While I know that I’ve lost 99 pounds, and my face has gone through a drastic evolution (I love my “new” chin, and my eyes since getting laser eye surgery), but there’s another half of my brain that was seeing fat, areas for improvement, things I would like changed. I don’t quite understand why it is that I look so much better now, thinner, but I can still feel fat some days, or ugly, or that I need a complete overhaul. I think this is normal, but it seems unsatisfactory. At what point do the self-improvements, changes, and goal-settings come to an end? Will I ever be 100% happy with how I look?  As I get older, will all of this become less important to me?  Is it healthy to want to constantly improve your image, or is it unhealthy?  Is there a line in the sand somewhere between healthy and unhealthy?

Lots of questions, and I guess time will only tell the answers…

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  • Jack Sh*t

    It’s the oddest thing. When I was bigger, I could look in the mirror and, at certain angles, manage to convince myself that I looked okay. Then I’d see a snapshot and it would blow that perception right outta the water. Now, I’m a little harsher on myself when I gaze in the mirror, but the photographs paint a different picture. Funny how that could be, but that’s the way in works for me.

    Good point about portion size, too. I wish I could wrap my brain around it…

  • Jane

    Hi Christine,
    Reading about your “mirror experience” I identify with it very well. I remember being 127 pounds (quite a while ago) and looking in the mirror and thinking that I was still fat and I needed to do more with myself. I remember asking: “Is that all there is after all that work?” NOW–looking back at pictures from that time, I was very thin and looked very good. I wish I would have enjoyed it more, and I wonder if I would have kept the weight off if I could have accepted that I looked good. Sometimes it’s scary to look good, and I think I was anxious about it, because of my own pressure-filled perceptions. I know now there’s nothing to be afraid of–it’s me either way!

    Some naturally thin people also agonize about their looks–sometimes more than overweight people, so they shop for clothes, buy makeup, etc. compulsively. Perhaps it’s part of the human condition, and partly due to the fact that we’re women and more looks conscious than men! BTW–you look beautiful!

  • Amandakiska

    There are times I think I look great and other times when I only see the flaws. I think it has more to do with my mood.

    Sorry you’re bored. Want to come and do my job so I can take the rest of the month off?

  • Shane G.

    my guess is never. can you ever think of one time in your whole life that you didn’t want to change something? It is perpetual I am pretty sure.

  • http://whywait-maude.blogspot.com/ Maude

    I’ve had the same experiences as both you and Jack. I really wonder how I convinced myself I looked just fine when I was really heavy, but I did it! I managed to ignore around 60 pounds or so. It’s almost impressive.

    As my weight gets lower, I keep waiting to miraculously think that I look amazing! It seems like it should happen soon, right? But I think it’s just an ongoing process – kind of like weight loss and maintenence, I guess. It just takes time. I mean – you’ve dropped a lot of weight in a year! I think it takes time for your brain to catch up with the body.

  • Jessicajrobertson

    I have the same experience as Jack — when I was 262lbs I somehow managed to never see what i was looking at in the mirror and then was horrified when photos emerged….. i guess i’m now scrutinising things more and see faults in the mirror, but then love the photos that are being taken….. we’re just weird i guess. but i’ve been down to 152 once before and realise that i never truly appreciated the smaller me so this time round i’m determined to love myself at every step – warts n all :)