I still have a lot to learn

by Christine on November 6th, 2010

filed under Christine's Life Updates, Eating Disorders

Yesterday was a mental reminder that I still have a lot to learn, that even though I’m only 2 pounds from my goal weight, that my struggle with food will be with me for the rest of my life.

The interview went really well yesterday. I answered all their questions thoroughly and succinctly. I smiled a lot, tried to show that I’m upbeat and friendly. I asked them questions about themselves and about the company. I liked their answers, and I’m far more excited about the possibility of this job than I was before. I will be very surprised if they don’t call me in for a 2nd round of interviews.

After the interview, I decided I wanted to treat myself to a martini for a job well done. I went to a nearby restaurant and had one–only one!–martini and read a chapter in my book. It felt great to sit there and let the post-interview stress work itself out of my bones.

Then I got in my car and started to drive home. Friday at 4 p.m. means a lot of traffic on the highway, stop-and-go traffic, etc. I could have taken back roads to get home, but I wasn’t in a hurry and said, “sure, I can kill time in the car.”  I had soft music on. The martini had me loosened up. I allowed myself to tap into all these emotions related to work just a little bit. For instance:

  • I’m scared to hell that I’ll hate any job that I’ll get.
  • I’m afraid to admit that I don’t want to work a “real job” anymore. I enjoy being home. I enjoy writing on my own time.
  • I’m afraid to have that conversation with my husband because he has already told me that he wants me to start working ASAP, regardless of whether I “like the job” or not.
  • I even contemplated the idea of getting pregnant even though I find the idea of having a child personally loathesome. Just so I can stay home. Which might be the dumbest way of trying to not-work on the planet.
  • I’m scared of money issues and paying our bills.
  • I’m worried that my husband will quickly begin to feel used and overworked. And I’m afraid that and resent me for putting him in that position.
  • I’m worried that he’s disappointed in me. He’s already confessed that he thinks I’m pretty much unemployable and that I’m a “chronic non-worker,” and that opinion hurt(s) my feelings very badly.
  • I feel totally broken, that I’m not good enough. And I don’t know how to fix myself.

In other words…a lot of very deep emotions kind of hit me all at once. I started crying just a little in my car. Then I drove to a little corner market (called “Stewarts” around here) and walked in. I bought a gallon of skim milk for home and a huge package of mini-cookies. Pumpkin flavored, with heavy cream cheese frosting. I took them back to my car and litterally started shoving them in my mouth. I even gagged once. Just shoving them in my mouth. Eating. Eating more. Crying a little.

Then I drove home. I think it was the sugar rush, I’m not entirely sure. But something kind of hit me funny, and I passed out in the living room. It was like a blackout. I woke up four hours later feeling mostly okay. Not so anxious, emotions carefully carpartmentalized, perhaps a little queasy in the stomach.  I made a small bowl of tomato soup, and that killed the rest of my sugar cravings.

I’ve kind of been tired and out of it all day today.

Yesterday I was reminded that I have a lot of work to do, and a long way to go to battle my disordered eating. It’s not just binge eating, either, and I know it. I probably relate the most to binge eating, like I did yesterday. But as you can see from this post that I also have the ability to completely stop eating for very long periods of time.  It all comes down to the same thing: a poor ability to deal with carefully carpartmentalized emotions plus a loose grip on the healthy coping mechanisms that I’ve learn to put in place (“safe” foods I let myself have, healthy behaviors like letting out emotions at the gym, going for a hike, getting out of the house in any way, etc).  Oy. I have a lot left to muddle through.

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  • Allanmklein

    Oy.. What to say ? Here if we can help…

  • Shane G.

    crazy post. message me if there is anything I can do to help Christine.

  • Sarah G

    {{Christine}}

    You are good enough, you are smart enough, and doggone it people LIKE you!

    Keep your chin up hon, it will all work out.

  • Heather

    Christine,
    Let be start by saying you really need to have a talk with your husband. A real heart to heart. You are a smart person, you will figure it all out. Totally though, don’t even think about getting pregnant as a money saver! My daycare bill is twice my house payment. I hope that you work out all of your feelings. And don’t beat yourself up about the binge. As long as it only happens every once in a while, all is good.

  • Dinnerland

    I’m so sorry– it definitely sounds like you had an emotional eating episode– and I imagine that the martini may not have been helpful to you in fending it off.
    The best part is that today is a new day with new choices– focus on your successes, rather than your failures.
    I relate to not wanting to work anymore… and I think it is great that you’re saying it. At the end of the day , you and your husband will need to figure out what works best for you both– and if that means that you collaborate by getting a new job– I’ll be you can find some way to be happy working. It will be a process… hang in there.

  • Rachelthinwithin1

    Christine I feel your pain. But perhaps there is an interim solution? A job that will allow you to have the time/luxury to pursue your writing? Would part time be a solution for you?

    In the last year I’ve worked hard to find the type of work that nurtures me and makes me happy about what I do. I was unwilling to settle for a job that pays me what I need. Good luck..feel better. Looks like you are processing a lot but from your blog, I can tell you are tenacious and that you will come up fighting in whatever you do.

  • http://whywait-maude.blogspot.com/ Maude

    Ah, alcohol. Always seems like a good idea a the time…

    I agree with Heather. Maybe if you just talk with your husband and deal with your list of concerns they won’t be haunting you and and manifesting as binges. Often the fear and worry are worse than the reality. And you are NOT broken and you ARE good enough – look how much you’ve accomplished! It’s really amazing!

    And congrats on a great interview!

  • Rapunzel

    Christine, my heart goes out to you, hon. All of those emotions running through you, you resorted to what feels “comfortable,” a way to stuff them down and avoid them. I agree with Heather, you must talk to your husband and let him know how you’re feeling! So much of what you wrote resonated with me, with some situations in my former marriage, and I wish I’d handled them differently. Please feel free to drop me an e-mail; I’m no expert on such things but I’m a good “listener,” and I have been where you are. xoxoxoxo

  • Rapunzel

    Christine, my heart goes out to you, hon. All of those emotions running through you, you resorted to what feels “comfortable,” a way to stuff them down and avoid them. I agree with Heather, you must talk to your husband and let him know how you’re feeling! So much of what you wrote resonated with me, with some situations in my former marriage, and I wish I’d handled them differently. Please feel free to drop me an e-mail; I’m no expert on such things but I’m a good “listener,” and I have been where you are. xoxoxoxo

  • Rapunzel

    Christine, my heart goes out to you, hon. All of those emotions running through you, you resorted to what feels “comfortable,” a way to stuff them down and avoid them. I agree with Heather, you must talk to your husband and let him know how you’re feeling! So much of what you wrote resonated with me, with some situations in my former marriage, and I wish I’d handled them differently. Please feel free to drop me an e-mail; I’m no expert on such things but I’m a good “listener,” and I have been where you are. xoxoxoxo

  • Rapunzel

    Christine, my heart goes out to you, hon. All of those emotions running through you, you resorted to what feels “comfortable,” a way to stuff them down and avoid them. I agree with Heather, you must talk to your husband and let him know how you’re feeling! So much of what you wrote resonated with me, with some situations in my former marriage, and I wish I’d handled them differently. Please feel free to drop me an e-mail; I’m no expert on such things but I’m a good “listener,” and I have been where you are. xoxoxoxo

  • Rapunzel

    Christine, my heart goes out to you, hon. All of those emotions running through you, you resorted to what feels “comfortable,” a way to stuff them down and avoid them. I agree with Heather, you must talk to your husband and let him know how you’re feeling! So much of what you wrote resonated with me, with some situations in my former marriage, and I wish I’d handled them differently. Please feel free to drop me an e-mail; I’m no expert on such things but I’m a good “listener,” and I have been where you are. xoxoxoxo