I’m in California

by Christine on September 24th, 2010

filed under Christine's Life Updates

I’m currently sitting in the San Francisco airport, drinking a Stella Artois. I think I need something harder.  I’ve been been awake since 3:00 a.m. EST and it’s now 5 p.m. (EST) and I’m tired as hell. I didn’t sleep a wink last night. The very second I hit “submit” to buy my plane tickets, I felt like it was wrong, wrong, wrong. How could I be so positive that going to CA was the right decision and to be a trainwreck of self-doubt and bad feelings right now?  I just want to cry my eyes out; instead I’ll have a beer. Or two. Or three. I’ve got five hours to kill in this airport, then a short flight to Ontario, CA where I’ll meet up with the rest of the family.

What’s plaguing me is my job. I feel rotten for leaving them hanging right now. No doubt my boss is furious with me. In fact, I fully expect that my personal items will be boxed up from my office and waiting for me at the reception desk when I come into work on Tuesday.  I accepted that as a consequence when I booked my tickets, and I still accept that. In fact, I look forward to these five hours so I can search out jobs and send out my resume.  And, the worst case scenario is that I DO get fired, in which case I get a few weeks off, an unemployment check in the mail, etc. I accept that, too.

So why do I feel SO bad? SO SO BAD?

I’m going to be surrounded by my family in just a few short hours, and I should be focused on THAT right now. I should be excited to see them all. Why do I feel like crying instead? What is wrong with me?

It’s too late to back out now — I’m already in California!! I need my attitude to change PRONTO, but I’m having a really freaking hard time feeling lighthearted right now. This isn’t the memory I wanted to have of this very last-minute trip.

NSV: LOTS of room in the airplane seats!

I’ll I’ve had so far today is some Red Bull (about 200 calories worth, during my 4 a.m. drive to Connecticut), some diet pepsi on the plane. And just now: beer & a small cup of new england clam chowder soup.

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  • Amandakiska

    Sometimes the best way to make a big change is to JUST DO IT! It is natural to be a bit scared, but also enjoy the rush!

  • Dr. Fatty

    OK. CALM it down. Breathe. Seriously. BREATHE. It’s OK. You hate your job. If your stuff is boxed up when you get back, then at least you didn’t have to pack it. Let the guilt go and enjoy your trip and see your family. It will all work out in the end. I know it will! Have fun!

  • Sarah G

    I totally agree with Dr Fatty!

  • Ewa Bialkowski

    You are probably just tired and sleepy, that’s all. Enjoy your trip, have fun. For now this is the only sensible thing to do.

  • alice

    You made the right decision! I never remember the names of horrible bosses/horrible co workers after I leave a job; however family/friend experiences stay with me for a lifetime. I hope you have a great time. I’m the newbie that you encouraged last week. I’ve lost 11 lbs post surgery and I thank you for getting me over those hard first days. Have a great time. Alice

  • http://www.justquiteating.blogspot.com Debbie Lowe

    Hey Calif. is beautiful.. Put a smile on your face and do not worry about your job cause it sounds like you did not like it anyway. Have a good time with your family. :)

  • http://www.lathamsontherun.blogspot.com Beth

    You are here just in time for a heat wave!! Enjoy your visit, soak up some sun, take in the amazing view flying out of San Fran, and enjoy your family…at least you like yours!! : )

  • Patrick

    I hope you can put the thoughts of your jobs aside for the weekend and enjoy the time there in CA. No matter what happens on Tuesday, no need fretting over it until Tuesday. Easier suggested than done I know. But consider all of the positives you have about you now. Focus on them, feed off of them, and enjoy yourself as you deserve to.

  • Shane G.

    Here is my advice. What’s done is done, and you have no control over that part. What you do have control over is how you conduct yourself over the next few days. Go have a frikkin blast and deal with the other crud when it is time to deal with it.

  • Anne H

    Ontario CA is California!?
    I’ve been there – lovely city…..
    Not Ontario Canada?
    I’ve been there too – loved it, as well…

    But I cried on the way to and from both places!
    Maybe a touch of agoraphobia – and or/shyness,
    related to trying new things?

    All of So Cal is awesome!
    Have a great great good time!

  • Yonek

    There was a reason you did it, and all changes can lead to better things, so enjoy yourself. Whatever you have to deal with when you get back, you will deal with!

  • Claynlesia

    Hope you visit goes well with your family. And keep us updated about your job. smile

  • Freckle on the Nose

    I have obviously missed a lot, missy! I hope the rest of your trip is a fantastic one – no doubt you deserve a getaway (and a beer or three). Hope all is well!

  • amanda

    Hope you have calmed down! Fuck your boss, she’s Cunty McCuntenstien…enjoy my fair state, except the stupid heat wave! Yay for beer! Yay for family fun times!