Leaped off the horse

by Christine on September 14th, 2010

filed under Christine's Life Updates

Yikes. So yesterday was a really, really bad day. I ate. And ate. And ate. And then ate some more.

There’s no excuse for it. I don’t pardon myself by saying “I had a bad day” or “You’ve lost 90 pounds, you deserve to have a free day every now than then” or “what’s the worst that could have happened?”  There was absolutely no excuse for it; I’m lazy, lost focus, felt that my emotional insanity was more important than my health, etc. I completely suck, and I hope that I can make up for it over time.

I’m not sure how bad the damage is; I refused to weigh today.

I’m NOT going to reach my goals if I continue acting in this way. This is counter-productive to getting me to my goals.

Are you holding your breath, waiting for me to change my horrible cheating ways?

You would think after losing 90 pounds that I’d have kicked this emotional binge-eating monster in the ass, but alas, that doesn’t appear to be the case. I will have to work on keeping the binge-eating monster in check for the rest of my life, I think. It’s not easy, as yesterday proved.

I’m feeling out of it, tired, lethargic, and depressed, and today isn’t the first day. In fact, I came into work 2 hours late today partially so I could sleep in. (The other part was to completely clear out my savings account to pay off mounting dental bills [hubby’s] that are accruing because of SHITTY U.S. HEALTHCARE INSURANCE COVERAGE, Goddamn insurance bastards bloodsucking leeches.)

Last night I was fretting over the bills, to which hubby retorted with a snippy reply, “fine, I’ll just never go to the dentist again” which DUH, is NOT the solution needed here, but it also doesn’t solve our money issues! So I fired back at him, and the next thing you know we were fighting, giving each other the cold shoulder, and I spent the night on the couch.  The emotional drain of the entirely day, from the nightmare the morning before to the fight in the evening wiped me out entirely, and I was asleep by…8:30?

But back to my tiredness issues: I battled extreme lethargy a year ago. I’m very lucky that my doctor takes me seriously when I talk to her about it. We found the solution for my extreme tiredness a year ago in the form of a few incredibly expensive, special-ordered pills with a dose high enough to kill a small person (or so the pharmacist said. “Where have you been traveling to?! she asked me in interested horror), but I’m afraid that my tiredness has come back to haunt me. I’m procrastinating seeing El Doctoro again, hoping that I’ll “snap out of it” or something. After all, I’m not convinced that it’s not being caused by something different, for instance, depression in this case.  At the very least…the very very very special-ordered pills she ordered…I can’t swallow because of the gastric band and the size of the pills. It’s a silly reason not to go, but I’m scared. There ya go. I said it.  I’m a chicken. Bawk bawk.

The tiredness is escalating, just like it did the last time. The last few nights I’ve slept 12 hours, then 13 hours, then 14 hours last night. And still I wake up feeling tired.

So yeah. Today I’m going to rein in my eating, go to bed early (again), and try not be a terrible bitch to my husband. That’s the plan.

Have you guys ever tried Emergen-C? It’s a powered thing (like Crystal Lite) that you add to water. It’s a little fizzy, only has 5 calories, and comes in different flavors. Plus, it’s chock full of vitamins.

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  • Bonnie

    Sorry hear you are not feeling well. Hopefully you’ll feel better soon.

  • Shane G.

    Christine, sweetheart, it honestly breaks my heart that you are going through a rough time. I wish to heck I was able to do something. I most certaily will not ok your behavior, as I am sure you know. But can I make a suggestion? I haven’t heard about a single work out of yours in awhile. I think that if you go somewhere and do some sort of exercise to get the endorphins going, that may help out alot for your attitude and your energy. don’t think about it, dread it, avoid it. Be Nike and effing “just do it!” Go exhaust yourself with some exercise. I think it will make you take a 180 attitude wise and 80% of life is attitude. I love you dear, now get after it!

  • amanda

    sorry you had an el sucko night! remember your emotions are not the end all be all, you can’t let them screw up all your hard work…cowgirl up…life is only getting better and your letting it pass you by when you are a sour puss!

    and go to the damn doc it won’t hurt you, only help you!

  • Ewa Bialkowski

    From my big loser experience, once an addict, always an addict. For me PMS causes huge food cravings and now peri-menopause (can’t we get it over with, please?)
    Hope your struggles only make you stronger.

  • Amandakiska

    Okay, my dear. I officially pardon you of all your food transgressions. It is over and done with. Now forgive yourself and get on with your life. There are a lot of reasons to binge and stress is right up there at the top of the list. Unfortunately binge eating doesn’t really relieve stress. In fact, I’d say it creates as many problems as it numbs you from. Being tired is also a contributing factor with an actual physiological cause. When you’re tired, your body craves energy and you may crave carbs to bump up your energy reserves. What you really need though is rest when you’re tired, not (usually) food! So now you’ve identified some triggers for you so you can be on guard for future issues. Really if you look at it that way, you can see this binge as a learning experience!

  • http://www.marketamerica.com/bethg/brands-214/isotonix.htm Beth

    Sounds like a great need for a good vitamin, this one is very complete and easy to take… it is NOT a pill. http://tiny.cc/o161f

    Also that company has another item called BLISS Anti-Stress, you can search it from the above link… I find I reach for food much less during strssed out moments when im taking it on a regular basis.